Intro

-It’s Lillian Garcia, and she’s here to do what she does best, sing the second national anthem!

-The stage, much like last year, is kind of plain.  I guess this is the new trend for WrestleMania, which is completely fine with me.  I’ve never been a fan of big, hulking stage sets.

-And, the super-serious WrestleMania intro!  According to this, there’s only two matches tonight, Cena and the Rock, and The H’s and the Undertaker.  IT’S THE DOUBLE MAIN EVENT!  IT’S WRESTLEMANIA!

BLINK AND YOU’LL MISS IT: Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus for the World Heavyweight Championship!

-… Well, hey.  At least they were on the PPV this year, right?

-Sheamus comes down, and we have proof positive that the sun is NOT his friend, as his normally pale skin looks grey in the Miami sunlight.  And then we have World Champion Daniel Bryan, with the INCREDIBLY adorable AJ Lee.   For those who don’t follow wrestling, short story long, Daniel Bryan is a cowardly champion who revels in even the smallest triumph, and he and AJ Lee kind of have a Randy Savage-Elizabeth Vibe…

-Before the match begins, Daniel Bryan gets a good luck kiss from AJ Lee.  And  then gets punted in the head.  One. Two. Three.

-Once again, the World Title Match (AND the Royal Rumble winner) curtain jerk WrestleMania, which is bothersome enough.  The fact that the match went all of 18 seconds is the WORST INSULT OF ALL.

-Nah, I’m not that insulted.  Just, sad.  The match could have been just a LITTLE bit more, but oh well.  At least Daniel Bryan can say he defended a World Title at WrestleMania, right?

-And I mean, shit.  Daniel Bryan was just starting to catch fire as a champion.  The crowd was REALLY into the YES! YES! YES! Gimmick!

BACKSTAGE SHENANIGANS!!!

-OH DIOS MIO!  THE HEELS!  THEY’RE SCHEMING!  SCHEMING LIKE HEELS!  Team Johnny is getting themselves pumped up for tonight’s epic showdown for control of BOTH RAW and SmackDown, when the man himself, John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President, Talent Relations, shows up in an IMPECCABLE white suit to give his team one last pep talk.  THANKS COACH.  No wonder he took the name Johnny Ace.  It took me four attempts to spell the name Laurinaitis correctly.

Kane vs. Randy Orton: I’m Not Quite Clear As To Why They’re Feuding

-I mean, aside from the fact that, otherwise, two of WWE’s top stars would be doing nothing for Mania.

-I haven’t done RAW Reflections in forever, but I gotta say, Kane’s Casey Jones mask is FUCKING COOL.  The rest of his ring gear, from his Fruit Roll-Up mask, to his onesie that looks like he stitched it together from pieces of the Undertaker’s discarded tights, is not.

-Not the most exciting match I’ve ever seen, no sir.  The crowd doesn’t like it either.  Then again, for a match with pretty much no drama going into it, and considering that these two guys are as basic as you can get, in regards to actual wrestling, what do you expect?

-In a surprise turn of events, KANE actually wins with a top-rope chokeslam.  Hopefully, this ho-hum feud is over, too.  If only Wade Barrett hadn’t dislocated his elbow…

BACKSTAGE SILLINESS!!

-Backstage, Eurotrash Superstar (man, I haven’t used that name in FOREVER), some Deadliest Catch guy and MICK FOLEY! Are eating Alaska King Crab.  They do silly things, and Ron Simmons shows up to shout DAMN.  He disapproves of their dining etiquette.  It didn’t drag on as NEARLY as they could have made it, but still.  This time could have been given to poor Daniel Bryan and his Gingered Adversary.

HOLY CRAP THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP IS BEING DEFENDED AT WRESTLEMANIA YOU GUYS!

-Ever since I was a little shithead kid, the Intercontinental Championship was my favourite championship.  It makes me so mad to think about what WWE did to the belt in the past decade, but it seems that they’re making amends.  The first step in the right direction was to bring back the classic championship belt, the nicest looking championship in the history of title belts.  THEN they have Cody Rhodes, a dude who has REALLY has been coming into his own in the past year, carry the belt and improve its image tenfold.  And NOW, the Intercontinental Championship actually is defended at FUCKING WRESTLEMANIA.

-The backstory was, for weeks, Cody Rhodes has been dogging the Big Show on his ridiculous history at WrestleMania.  And really, he’s done some really embarrassing shit.  So, Cody kept ripping on the big oaf, so here we are!

-And you know what?  This was a decent match.  The Big Show is by no means a bad wrestler, and they put on a perfectly acceptable match.  And, logically, Big Show had to win.  Considering all the shit the dastardly Cody Rhodes had been talking over the past few months, the bad guy needed his comeuppance.  And, the Big Show deserves a little something something for the bullshit WWE puts him through.  And, above all else, THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP WAS DEFENDED AT WRESTLEMANIA!

Who The Fuck Cares About The Divas Match?

-That’s a rhetorical question.  We all know that no one cares about the Divas Match at WrestleMania.

BACKSTAGE JOURNALISM!!!

-Backstage, Matt Striker (wearing the weirdest tie I have ever seen) is with Shawn Michaels, a dude whose looks have been ravaged by the passing of time, hyping up Triple H-Undertaker.  In case you weren’t aware, Shawn’s the special guest referee.  Nothing to make fun of here.  Except for Shawn’s leathery complexion.

-Oh, in case you care, 78,363 dudes are at WrestleMania this year.  WHOOO NUMBERS!

THE END OF AN ERA: TRIPLE H VS THE UNDERTAKER THREE TWO!!!

-It’s scary to think that this really is the last match of an era.  I am old enough to remember when both the Undertaker and Triple H debuted.  Fuck, I’m SO old.

-BUT, before we get to the match, we have a special guest!  IT’S GOOD OL JR, JIM RO-WAIT A MINUTE.  Something’s up.  He’s thinner.  He has a goatee.  THAT’S NOT THE REAL JR!  THAT’S JR’S EVIL TWIN FROM A PARALLEL UNIVERSE!  The Nega-JR only eats Sushi, hates college football, and lives in Portland, Oregon.

-Shawn is out first, and he’s being his goofy, goofy self.  DAMN IT SHAWN, STOP BEING SO SILLY!  YOU HAVE AN END OF AN ERA TO OFFICIATE!

-And here’s Triple H, and he comes out through CASTLE GREYSKULL!  HOLY CRAP, HE IS HE-MAN!!!!

-And here’s the Undertaker, dressed like the Super Shredder.  Sure, go ahead, rub the end of my childhood in my face a little more, won’t you!  BTW, Taker got himself a haircut, and it actually doesn’t look as unusual as I thought it would.

-Oh, this is also to be contested IN THE HELL IN A CELL CAGE!  INTRIGUE.  There’s been like 25 Hell in a Cell matches since 1997, and between Triple H and the Undertaker, they’ve been in 19.  That’s fucking impressive.

-This match was TEN TIMES better than last year’s video game spotfest.  This actually felt like there was structure to it.  Having Shawn in the match actually helped, as the drama was increased tenfold, being torn between loyalty to his best friend, and concern for one of WWE’s greatest icons.  They brawled all over ring, they beat the PISS out of each other with chairs and ring steps and sledgehammers.

-At one point, Shawn actually nailed the Undertaker with the Superkick, which lead DIRECTLY into a Pedigree.  At this point, I was certain the match and the streak was over, and the Kliq had won BUT NO!  The Undertaker persevered, and eventually nailed The Son In Law with the Tombstone.

-And the Undertaker nabs victory number 20, and stands victorious over the defeated Triple H.  I swear, after the second Pedigree, I thought the H’s would kill the streak, but I’m happy that his business sense won over.  You won’t sell a lot of DVDs titled “19-1,” right?  Anyway, post-match, the three of them, Shawn included, leave the arena together, and take my childhood with them.

WWE Hall Of Fame, Class of 2012

-It’s time to cool down this crowd with a little fluff!  TIME FOR THE HALL OF FAME!

-This year’s class included Mil Mascaras, the mighty Yokozuna, the Four Horsemen, Mike Tyson (the non-fans at the WrestleMania party I was at had no idea why he was there), Ron Simmons, and EDGE!  Goddamn it, I miss Edge.

BACKSTAGE CELEBRITY CAMEO!!!!!

-Josh Matthews is backstage with some rapper named Flo Rida.  I GET IT!  BECAUSE HE’S FROM FLORIDA!  I GET JOKES.  They say some things, BUT THEN Heath Slater barges in to do some stupid shit.  The Flo Rida dude roughs up the Pride of West Virginia, and Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins show up FOR NO RAISON!

THE END OF AN ERA THE BRAND SPLIT: TEAM JOHNNY VS. TEAM TEDDY

-Holy shit.  This match has NINETEEN people involved in it.  NINETEEN!  Talk about your scrambling for a WrestleMania Payday.

-I’m just happy that they had the teams wear colour coded t-shirts, so you could keep track of what was going on.  Because there was NINETEEN FUCKING PERFORMERS IN THIS MATCH IN TOTAL.  That’s just… Holy crap.  But hey, I guess I can’t be too mad.  It gave people like Zack Ryder and Dolph Ziggler their WrestleMania moments.

-There was just far too much going on to give you any sense of this match, all you need to know is that Team Johnny won, and Johnny Lau… fuck it, Johnny Ace is now the de facto master of WWE.  GO HEELS!

CELEBRITIES AT RINGSIDE: Alex Rodriguez, that baseball guy, and HAHAHAHAH TORRIE WILSON.  I hope Pay-Rod likes Billy Kidman’s sloppy seconds.

BACKSTAGE FORESHADOWING!!!!!!!!

-WWE Champion CM Punk has an encounter with the new General Manager of the WWE brands, Johnny Ace.  Johnny tells him if Punk gets DQed, Jericho wins the WWE Championship.  I guess THIS feud is back on, eh?

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: THE BEST IN THE WORLD VS. THE BEST IN THE WORLD

-This is the match I have been waiting MONTHS for, guys.  MONTHS.

-Jericho is out first, with the Lite-Brite jacket.  Unfortunately, it malfunctions.  THAT’S QUITE ALRIGHT, because no one will remember that.   This match has too much promise.

-Maaaan, they should have hired Cult of Personality to play CM Punk to the ring.  That would have been super cool.  OH WELL.

-This match.  This goddamn match, you guys.  This match will live on as one of the greatest WWE Championship matches of all time.  Jericho and Punk brough their A-Games, and then some.  And you know what?  This was everything it should be.

-This match wasn’t built on any drama, or any elaborate storyline, despite Jericho’s catcalls about Punk’s family history.  This was simply a match between two dudes who claimed to be the Best In The World, over the most important championship in all of the World.  So, they did what they were supposed to, and they wrestled.  They WRESTLED, you guys.  They gave a clinic in mat wrestling, and proved to everyone why, pound for pound, they are the absolute best WWE has to offer.

-In the end, though, only one man could be the true Best In The World, and that was CM Punk.  The wrestling world is Punk’s oyster, now.  And, honestly, I guarantee these two guys watched Steamboat vs Savage, WrestleMania III, SEVERAL times, because there was a certain old school flavour to it.  The near falls, the technical mastery, this match was a showstealer.  Dare I say it, this match is probably the best wrestling match I have seen in 10 years.

WRESTLEMANIA 29

-WrestleMania 29 will take place in New Jersey, in the new football stadium they’re building.  DRESS WARM, DUDES.  New Jersey is not NEARLY as warm as Miami in April.

BACK ON-STAGE FUNKASAURUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-HERE’S BRODUS CLAY!  AND HE’S CALLIN’ HIS MAMA!  BUTWAIT!  HIS MAMA IS ALREADY HERE!  AND SHE BROUGHT THE BRIDGE CLUB!  OLD LADIES ARE DANCING!  DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE AND COOL DOWN THAT CROWD, BECAUSE IT’S MAIN EVENT TIME!!!!

ONCE IN A LIFETIME… UNTIL NEXT YEAR:  THE ROCK VS JOHN CENA

-Here it is, a match literally one year in the making.

-First out is… Puff Daddy?  What the fuck?  OH, he’s introducing some rapper to play the intro to John Cena’s entrance.  Some skinny white dude with tattoos.  I dunno, I am like 15 years behind the times, as far as Rap goes.

-John Cena is out first, wearing Celtics green.  The most simplistic entrance he’s had in a LONG time, actually.

-Next up, IT’S THE FLO RIDA GUY!  AND HIS MIC STAND HAS A MAP OF FLORIDA THAT’S SHAPED LIKE AN F, WITH LO ATTATCHED!  AH HAHAHAHAHAHA CLEVER!  He plays the intro to the Hometown Hero…

-DWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYNE.  The Rock.

-At this point, both in the write-up, and in the match, I am SO burned out.  But, I will persevere!

-John Cena deserves a goddamned medal.  Because, he carried the Rock on  his back, and made this an actually GOOD match.  It was not the technical masterpiece that Punk-Jericho was, but it would be unrealistic to expect that of these two.

-After trading finishers, and TWO GODAWFUL Sharpshooters by the Rock, Cena attempts to finish off the Rock with the People’s Elbow, ONLY to run right into the Rock Bottom.  Three Count.  Boom.  Casual Fans go home happy!  I… am indifferent.

All in All…

-TEN TIMES BETTER THAN LAST YEAR.  THAT’S FOR GODDAMNED SURE.

-Dare I say it, dudes, this is probably the best WrestleMania since the mythical WrestleMania X7.  This show was so goddamned good.

-Almost every single thing about this show was so so SO smart.  The main event matches (Taker/Hunter, Team Johnny/Team Teddy, Punk/Jericho, and Rock/Cena) were given the time they deserved, and the undercard was, well, the undercard.  This WrestleMania, for the first time in a long, long time, felt like a WrestleMania.  Everyone, EVERYONE brought their A-Games, including the production staff.

-The pacing of this show was so intelligent, too.  Spacing out the big matches with fun filler to cool down the crowd, organizing it the way they did… I can’t say enough nice things about this.

-The only let downs of this WrestleMania were the opening match, which is obvious, and the Rock winning, but I’m not even upset about that.  That’s how much I loved this event.

-In years to come, this event should be held in the same esteem that WrestleMania III and WrestleMania X7 are held.  It encapsulated everything that is pro wrestling, and it felt like the big event it should be.  And, unlike last year, I have absolutely no regrets about paying money to see this.  It was worth every single cent.

-Thank you for reading.

-END.

[Honourable Mention] “The Macho Man” Randy Savage

I’m not one for hyperbole; I’m not one to throw around melodramatic eulogies, so you know the following statement is true: Macho Man Randy Savage was one of the best wrestlers, ever.  There is absolutely no debate about it. No matter how you slice it, Randy Savage was great.  He was one of the most distinguishable professional wrestlers to have ever graced a television screen.  He is one half of what is considered one of the greatest matches of all time.  He transcended professional wrestling, and became a cultural icon, something only a handful of wrestlers can even come close to claiming.  He left us this year, he may be gone, but he is most certainly not forgotten.

And now, onto the List.

[25] Edge

Sadly, we must bid another farewell, this one to “Edge” Adam Copeland.  In 2011, his career was suddenly cut short, as a career of neck injuries and high spots finally caught up with the perennial entrant on this list of mine, and his doctors strongly recommended retirement.  Thankfully, Edge was able to do it in style, wrestling his last match at WrestleMania, successfully defending the World Heavyweight Championship.  Thank you, Edge, it has been a pleasure.

[24] Kenny King and Rhett Titus, The All-Night Express

It’s wrestling 101.  What do you do, when you have two decent singles wrestlers, and you want them to get over?  Why, you stick’em together and promote them as a tag team!  Kenny King and Rhett Tutus, The All-Night Express, shot through the ranks of Ring Of Honor’s Tag Team Division really fast in 2011, finding themselves deep in the title hunt for the ROH Tag Team Championship.  Keep up the good work, dudes!

[23] Christopher “Daniels” Daniels

The Fallen Angel pulled some double duty this year, wrestling for BOTH ROH and TNA.  He reigned for a few months as ROH’s Television Champion, and then went back to TNA to hang out with his friends AJ Styles, Kazarian, and the rest of the League of Great Wrestlers Who Make Poor Career Decisions.

[22] Natalya Neidhart and Beth Phoenix, The Divas of Doom

Natalya and Beth finally did something most of us wrestling fans have wanted to see for a while: they are WAGING WAR on the Supermodel Divas!  A tandem that makes complete sense, The Divas of Doom have been taking it to the likes of Kelly Kelly, Eve Stupid Torres, and the other ones in 2011.  I’m just glad to see Beth Phoenix on top of the female wrestling world once again.

[21] Brian Kendrick

Brian Kendrick is too damn good for TNA.  His promos are awesome, his in-ring work is unquestionably great, and he is the MVP of the show.  He helped save the X-Division from the evil clutches of that damned Eric Bischoff, and is an all-around entertaining guy.

[20] Christian

In 2011, Christian went back to doing what Christian does best, being a rat-bastard!   Christian rocked as the old wrestling standard, “The Pussy,” finding loophole after loophole to get him never-ending shots at Randy Orton’s World Championship, eventually winning the World Title at Money in the Bank through dubious means.

[19] Steve Corino

After 2010 as one half of one of the most sinister, evil tandems in Ring of Honor (along with Kevin Steen), Steve Corino went on a path of redemption in 2011.  He didn’t want to be evil anymore.  He wanted to atone for a lifetime of sin and nefariousness, he wanted to be a wrestler whom other wrestlers could look up to.  He even got himself a sponsor, the formerly evil Jimmy Jacobs, and all seemed well… until that bastard Kevin Steen showed up.  The feud came to a head at Final Battle 2011, where Steve Corino once again “went evil” for one night only, to take the fight to Kevin Steen, who had to win to rejoin ROH.  Unfortunately, all of Steve Corino’s Evil could not withstand a package piledriver on a chair, and he lost the match.

[18] Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne, Air Boom

Much like the All-Night Express, the solution on how to deal with two wrestlers stuck in midcard hell is making a tag team out of them.  Air Boom was the first impression WWE gave us in 2011, that they have a new interest in tag team wrestling.  I mean, it’s a natural pairing, two high flyers that the kids love!  They currently reign supreme over a tag team division that shows promise, and as long as Evan Bourne can avoid any more Wellness Violations, 2012 should be a good year for them.

[17] AJ Styles

…Goddamn it, AJ Styles.  You’re only on this list because, as I said last year, no one, NO ONE can deny your natural talent.  I grow tired of yelling at you about your stupid loyalty to such a terrible promotion.

[16] Eddie Edwards

At first glance, Eddie Edwards is unassuming.  Average size, average appearance, average charisma.  But holy shit, can the man wrestle.  Trained by Killer Kowalski, Eddie Edwards busted his ass to make himself one of ROH’s top talents in 2011.  He’s the only man in the organization’s history (to date) who’s held the ROH Triple Crown, becoming World Champion this past spring, something most would have never predicted of Eddie Edwards, at first glance.

[15] “Showtime” Eric Young

Bless you, Eric Young.  Bless you.  You are, without a doubt, one of the most entertaining things on TNA Impact.  As Television Champion, he vowed only to defend the championship against actual Television stars.  He beat Matt Morgan, former American Gladiator.  He beat Jason Hervey, TNA producer and former cast member of “The Wonder Years.”  He went on a crusade to face Scott Baio of “Happy Days,”, defeating D-Lo Brown (whom he confused for C-Lo Green) along the way, and BEAT Scott Baio!  He then lost it to that Jersey Shore ripoff they have, but who cares!  Eric Young is fucking awesome!

[14] Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin, Wrestling’s Greatest Tag Team

If you wanna talk about comebacks of the year, you HAVE to mention the tandem of Haas and Benjamin. Reforming one of the best tag teams of the 2000’s in Ring Of Honor seems like a logical conclusion, and it paid off very well, dethroning the Kings of Wrestling as ROH World Tag Team Champions, and defending them against ROH’s best tag teams, and the Briscoe Brothers!  They ultimately lost the titles to Wrestling’s Dumbest Tag Team (the aforementioned Brothers Briscoe…), but it’s good to see Haas and Benjamin back as a unit, doing what they do best.  I just wish they were creative enough to think up a better name.

[13] Cody Rhodes

Well well.  Cody Rhodes.  Y’know, I gotta hand it to this kid.  When he started his professional life in WWE, I instantly labeled him Plywood Cody Rhodes, as he had all the charisma of a board of plywood.  It seemed as nothing could get this poor kid over, and that all of the charisma in the Rhodes family gene pool went to his older brother Dustin.  And then, something magical happened.  Rey Mysterio bashed his “Dashing” face in with a knee brace, and all of a sudden, Cody Rhodes was interesting.  He turned into a brooding, sullen asshole, taking his vengeance out on the world for the loss of his good looks, and donned a plastic face protector.  Cody stepped his game up, even won the Intercontinental Championship.  And, if that wasn’t enough, Cody chiselled his name into the hearts of smarks everywhere by bringing back the classic Intercontinental Championship Title Belt, restoring a great deal of credibility to the championship in an instant.  Cody is flirting with the main event scene, and I think he’ll go further in 2012.

[12] “Cowboy” James Storm

James Storm is an interesting case.  Here we have a man who is a solid wrestler with loads of charisma, wrestling a time-tested gimmick with a new edge to it, and is quite over with the TNA faithful, and yet, he lingered FOREVER in midcard hell.  Sure, pairing him with Bobby Roode to form Beer Money is great and all, but, it always felt like TNA was letting Storm’s talent go to waste.  And then, he gets an upset victory over Kurt Angle, and now he’s the TNA World Heavyweight Champion!  This is great!  It looks like TNA is finally taking itself seriously, and giving one of its most loyal and hardest working guys a chance to carry the comp-what’s that?  A week-long title reign and he immediately drops it to Bobby Roode?  Oh, for the love of fuck, TNA…

[11] Bobby Roode

…See, here’s my problem.  If your plan was to make Bobby Roode TNA World Heavyweight Champion, WHY NOT HAVE HIM BEAT KURT ANGLE IN THE FIRST PLACE AT BOUND FOR GLORY?  You spent the whole dang summer, running this “Quest For Bound For Glory” Series, to determine who would face the TNA World Champ at your marquee event, and you built up the event, AND Bobby Roode, for NO REASON.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy Bobby Roode is TNA World Champion, but holy shit, it would have meant much more if you just had him win at your big event.  Jesus…

[10] Randy Orton

My, have the mighty have fallen.  Slightly.  For me, Randy Orton has lost some of his killer instinct, when he turned good guy.  He doesn’t seem like the vicious, anti-hero viper to me anymore.  He’s a bland GOOD GUY.  Well, except when he went completely apeshit all over Christian  at Money in the Bank 2011.  I do applaud him for taking the time to build Wade Barrett up, the dude needs the rub.  Personally, I wish he would just shave his damned beard, it looks SO stupid.

[09] Davey Richards

For those of you who have never watched an episode of Ring of Honor TV, or have never seen a clip of a match on YouTube, ROH is trying very very hard to cast itself as a legitimate, serious wrestling promotion, the Anti-WWE, if you will.  It wants to catch the magic that has made the UFC so unbelievably popular, and frankly, it’s doing a good job of doing it.  The biggest thing they have working in their favour is their World Champion, Davey Richards.  Davey Richards is a killer.  He is so technically sound, it’s downright unbelievable.  He is being showcased the right way, and he is more than deserving of being ROH World Champion.  I’m sorry I ever doubted the man.

[08] Chris Hero and Claudio Castagnoli, The Kings of Wrestling

Kings reign supreme, boys and girls.  And in April 2011, the KOW, Chris Hero and Claudio Castagnoli made it official by scoring the record for the longest reign as tag team champions, ANYWHERE, since 1989.  Unfortunately, they were two days short of making the reign one full calendar year, losing the titles to Wrestling’s Greatest Tag Team, but that’s ok!  Because, it looks like there are bigger things in the horizon for the Kings of Wrestling.  Namely, in the summer of 2011, a certain worldwide wrestling promotion based out of Stamford, Connecticut started taking an interest in Hero and Castagnoli, and as of this writing, Claudio Castagnoli is under contract to WWE.  Apparently there have been complications with the signing of Chris Hero, but there is no doubt that, before long, the KOW will be tearing it up in the big leagues!

[07] R-Truth

AW HELL NAH.  THIS TIME ‘ROUND, DA TROOF, HE AIN’T GETTIN’ OKEE-DOKED BY LIL JIMMY.  LIL JIMMY, THE SPI-DUHS, THE WHOLE GAT-DANGED C-O-N-SPIRACY, THEY AIN’T GONNA HOLD DA TROOF BACK.  HE DUN EARNED HIMSELF HIS NUMBAH SEVEN SPOT ON THIS LIST BY RE-INVENTIN’ HISSELF FROM A NOVELTY ACT TO KILLER UPPER-MIDCARD HEEL BY KICKIN’ LIL JIMMY TO THE CURB AND BLOWIN’ SMOKE IN JOHN MORRISON’S FACE, SINCE NEITHER WERE HELPIN’ HIM WIN NO TITLES!  UNFORTUNATELY, WWE WELLNESS IS IN ON THE CONSPIRACY TOO, AND THEY BUSTED HIM FOR SMOKIN’ THE FAKE POT, BUT EVEN WWE WELLNESS CAN’T HOLD DA TROOF BACK ON THIS LIST! OH, DA TROOF HAS SET HIM FREE!

[06] The Miz

I kind of feel bad for The Miz.  I do.  He is so insanely charismatic, he is so surprisingly skilled (considering his background), and yet, no one wants to give him a chance.  He had a BLOCKBUSTER year in 2010, which amounted to the poor bastard playing second fiddle to THE ROCK VS. JOHN CENA for most of the year, which sent him tumbling down the card.  He rebounded nicely around the summer, aligning himself with R-Truth… only to, once again, play second fiddle to THE ROCK VS. JOHN CENA.  Thankfully, The Miz was able to prevent himself from falling down again, and kept himself in the WWE Title picture.

[05] Alberto Del Rio

His name is Alberto Del Rio, and he has had one hell of a 2011!  But, you already knew that.  He kicked off the year winning the Royal Rumble, sending him to the main event OPENING MATCH of WrestleMania 27!  He didn’t achieve is so-called Destiny there, but eventually, he won himself a Money in the Bank contract, and cashed it in at SummerSlam successfully, in a move I predicted months prior, because of WWE’s impending Mexico tour this past fall.  He’s firmly planted himself as a main event heel in rather short order, and as a side note, he has one of the best entrances in the business.

[04] Dolph Ziggler

2011 appears to be the year in which a ton of wrestlers started living up to their potential.  Dolph Ziggler is the best example of this.  The sole survivor of The Spirit Squad, Ziggles worked his ass off to rise up the ranks and become a force to be reckoned with in professional wrestling.  While it is indeed worth mentioning that Dolph was World Heavyweight champion for like, an hour or something, it’s his reign as United States Champion that ranks this man so highly on this list.  He quickly became the Go-To Guy to have a solid match, even wrestling twice in one night, on two consecutive pay per views.  Now, Dolph goes into 2012 with a WWE Title shot, and the opportunity to fully seize his potential as a main event star.  Not to mention, there’s NO ONE in the business that sells their opponent’s offence like this man.

[03] “Long Island Iced Z” Zack Ryder

10 years ago, Zack Ryder could not have happened.  Hell, FIVE years ago, Zack Ryder could not have happened.  You see, Zack Ryder is a trail blazer, and living proof that hard work does pay off.  He went from curtain jerker to one of the most popular wrestlers on WWE television in 12 months, almost completely on his own and without being on television a whole lot.  In case you have been living under a rock, Zack Ryder took to social media, and launched a revolution.  With his Facebook page, and his Twitter account, and, most of all, his YouTube show, Z: A True Long Island Story, Zack Rider tapped into the “WWE UNIVERSE” in a manner no other wrestler had ever done before.  In fact, one can argue that, because of Zack Ryder, WWE finally tuned into the 21^st Century, and started to boost its online presence.  He crowned himself WWE’s Internet Champion, and by year’s end, won himself a real title, the WWE United States Championship.  However, the true test for “Long Island Iced Z” is to maintain this newfound popularity in 2012.  Is he a legitimate star, or just a fad?  Let’s check back next year.

[02] Daniel Bryan

Ladies and Gentlemen, if only for a brief moment in time, Daniel Bryan is the World Heavyweight Champion of WWE.  Let that sit in your mind for a moment.  Daniel Bryan, the posterboy for Independent Wrestling, the man WWE fired because he was too ‘intense’ for TV-PG, the man that is constantly buried by WWE’s top play-by-play man, Michael “I WAS A WAR CORRESPONDENT!” Cole, the man who is the complete opposite of what one thinks of, when they think “WWE SUPERSTAR,” is on top of the WWE World.  The Magic started on what should go down as one of the best PPV events of this decade, Money in the Bank 2011, when Daniel Bryan won what was a very exciting ladder match, to claim his number one contendership.  And, despite the adversity, the Michael Cole catcalls, and playing third wheel in the SIN CARA VS. SIN CARA feud, he persevered, and won himself the World Heavyweight Championship.  No matter what happens now, this is something no one can ever take away from Daniel Bryan.

[01] CM Punk

“Big things await CM Punk in 2011, I can feel it.”

When I wrote this one year ago, I had no idea, NO IDEA, how right I would be.  Hell, 6 months into the year, I still had no idea how right I was.  CM Punk did alright for six months.  Kept himself afloat as an upper card player, had a decent feud with Randy Orton, leading the New Nexus.  And then, something wonderful happened.  There he was, one June evening, sitting on the RAW stage in a Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirt, cutting one of the greatest, most shocking worked shoot promos ever said.  He sang like a canary, he said what smarks have been griping about for YEARS.  He named dropped ROH, New Japan, and Colt Cabana.  He ripped into John Laurinaitus, Stephanie McMahon, that “Doofus Son in Law,” and Vince McMahon himself.  And, most of all, he vowed to win the WWE Championship, and leave the company with the crown jewel of professional wrestling.  And then, he did it.  He won the WWE Championship, in front of a jam-packed, ravenous hometown crowd in Chicago, and he left.  He left the company, and took the title belt with him.  He showed up on Jimmy Kimmel with it.  He went to Wrigley Field with it.  He crashed WWE’s seminar at ComicCon in San Diego with it.  He even put the belt in his dang fridge.  He was the toast of the wrestling world, and he was, for all intents and purposes, a free agent.  And then, just to stoke the fires further, he returned as a conquering hero, In Living Color’s “Cult of Personality” blaring, having set the professional wrestling world on FIRE.

You see, the best moments in professional wrestling, are the ones that make you forget that what you are watching is scripted television.  That’s why the New World Order made wrestling fans tune into WCW Nitro in droves in 1996.  That’s why one in every three wrestling fans owned a Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirt in 1998.  Disbelief wasn’t merely suspended, it was expelled.  This, this is what was the key to the success of CM Punk in 2011.  At least for one brief night, wrestling fans were captivated.  Even the smarkiest of smarks suspended their cynicism and their disbelief, losing their shit over the most believable worked shoot ever executed.  CM Punk grabbed the attention of the wrestling world and refused to let go.  All because he wanted to change the business he loves so much.

See, he didn’t do this for himself.  He didn’t start dropping Pipe Bombs and waging war on the status quo of professional wrestling and WWE in particular for his own personal gain.  He did it for guys like Zack Ryder.  He did it for guys like Daniel Bryan. He did it, even if he won’t admit it on television in character, he did it for guys like Dolph Ziggler and Cody Rhodes. He saw the state of professional wrestling for what it was, and he did something about it.  He is an agent of change, and he started a revolution on that hot June evening, a revolution that we’re just beginning to see the results of.  If you do not believe me, just look at this picture:

What happens in 2012, is up in the air.  But, in 2011, I can say without a shadow of a doubt, CM Punk, WWE Champion, was the best wrestler on television.

Thank you for reading.