The Cultural Revolution

-So.  Here I am.  The 2009 Stanley Cup Playoffs are all finished (the BEST fucking playoffs I have ever seen).  Nothing to prevent me from watching RAW.  That is, of course, excluding my sense of good taste and desire to maintain what remains of my sanity.  HOWEVER, as a favour to my good buddy JCC, I promised to reflect this week’s RAW.

-We open this week’s special Three-Hour show with Chris Jericho, who in the span of 2 minutes, has entertained me better than I have been entertain by this show in weeks.  GOD I miss Jericho on this show.  Also, he’s doing some angle with Rey Mysterio where Jericho is trying to steal his mask, which is a total throwback to several WCW Angles.  But that’s ok, because when Jericho and Rey first feuded in WCW, most of WWE’s target audience were shitting themselves and eating strained carrots, so this is brand new for them. Decent match that sees Jericho take advantage of Rey’s stupid mask design and twist it around so he can’t see things.

-Back from commercial, Matt Stryker tells us that almost 2 million women watched RAW Last week.  WHOOPTIE FUCK!

-Backstage, Josh Matthews is with Randy Orton, who is staring off into space, probably thinking about raping someone.  What am I saying, that’s all he ever thinks about.  Standard interview until John Cena bursts in with his stupid comedy and cracks jokes about Legacy and their love of Baby Oil.  Ugh.

-Last week, when I was busy doing other things, Vickie Guerrero fucking QUIT.  If I believed in any supernatural deity, I would have sacrificed it several goats in thanks for this bountiful gift!  However, this leaves the fake position of fake General Manager of RAW up for (fake) grabs…

-Instead, we’re not getting a new GM.  Instead, Vince tells us that he’s selling RAW.  Um, what?  We’ll find out who’s the proud new owner of RAW later.

-Back from break, Fatty Dreamer and Christian are here to fight over a hideous title no one cares about, and it shows.  The crowd was DEAD FUCKING SILENT for this match.  And for good reason, that match was boring.  Y’see, it’s a simple formula.  People only care about Tommy Dreamer when he ISN’T SUCCESSFUL.  No one wants to see Tommy Dreamer wrestle and WIN things.  They want to see him get hurt and humiliated and broken in half!  Actually, Tommy’s kind of bring when he’s doing well.

-In the back, the Bella Twins and Kelly Kelly prove their usefulness by loitering around the locker room and gossiping about the NEW FAKE OWNER OF RAW!

-Footage of Batista’s alleged arm surgery.  I say alleged, because there’s some legit accusations going around that a certain SOMEONE whose name rhymes with Bave Datista violated a certain company’s WELLNESS Policy…

-Four Way Match for the WWE Title is yawn.  Randy Orton is Champion again, which is a good result.  MUCH better than Batista, and MUUUUCH better than The H’s, because if I had to digest The H’s being Champion again, and what happens after this segment, I would have smashed my head against a brick wall.

-So, yeah, the new fake owner of RAW?  DONALD FUCKING TRUMP.  Replacing Vickie Guerrero with Donald Trump is like replacing a shit sandwich with a feces fajita.  What made this even more intolerable was watching Vince McMahon argue with obviously-pretaped footage of  Donald Trump yelling.  Oh, next week’s RAW will air commercial-free.  Also, we get a battle royale for our main event to determine who Orton will Face at The Great American Bash…

-Oh, wait, it’s just “The Bash” now.  Kind of uninspired, don’t you think?

-Mickie James vs. Rosa Mendez is something I really don’t care about.  Moving on.

-Back from break, Goldust (who really has lost a lot of his Black Reign weight) and Hornswoggle are shooting T-Shirts into the crowd, but are interrupted by the Miz, who is trying to impress his new fake boss, Donald Trump!  Hopwever, he’s not impressed that Goldust and Hornswoggle are still in the ring.  Goldust sticks around, because he has some advice for the Miz, RE: Mind Games.  Making out with Ahmed Johnson in 1996 is mentioned, a reference that probably ZOOMS over the heads of WWE’s Target Audience (to watch that epic encounter, Ahmed Johnson vs Goldust, King of the Ring 1996, click here.  It features guest commentary by Owen Hart!).  This all culminates with the Miz calling Goldust washed up, attacking Goldust, and then SHOOTING THE MIDGET IN THE GROIN WITH THE T-SHIRT CANNON!  Ok, Miz moved up like 50 rungs on my Ladder of Respect for that, THAT was fucking cool.

-CM Punk had some kind of heelish promo with Josh while I was in the bathroom.

-As far as Triple Threat matches go, Hardy vs. Edge vs. Punk was alright.  I only wished that SmackDown was on Mondays instead of Fridays, when I would actually have an inclination to watch it.  Also, Teddy Long comes out and says that Punk will face Jeff Hardy for the World Title at “The Bash.”  IT’S SMARKS VS. MARKS!!

-The Hart Dynasty might be the greatest thing ever.  If only they weren’t stuck on that THIRD show…

-Backstage, Eurotrash Superstar is talking to Vince about Trump, and wondering if Trump would want to date his fake twin sister.  That IS a good question, DOES Donald Trump like transvestites?  Anyway, Vince gets a call from “Donald” that there’ll be another pre-taped video from Trump that WWE Creative will try to pass off as real to close out the show.  Super.

-Alright, so here’s out Battle Royale:  Legacy, MVP, Kofi Kingston, Matt Hardy, William Regal, The Miz, Big Show, John Cena and the H’s.  You know, WWE Creative wants me to so desperately take Legacy seriously, but I can’t.  I just can’t.  Anyway, after a decent battle royale (involving an AWESOME spot near the end with The Miz), The H’s wins it.  However, he’s interrupted by that video of Donald Trump yelling.  The H’s and Randy Orton won’t be facing each other at “The Bash,” it will happen next week on RAW, commercial free.

-All in all… Yeah, Donald Trump’s back on my Television.  HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?  If anyone recalls my Reflections from 2007… yeah, I cursed a mad streak about his involvement.  What’s worse, this time, is that those video packages are so OBVIOUSLY pretaped.  They could have at least tried to sell it better, but, no.  I can’t believe I’m kind of, sort of wishing Vickie Guerrero never left.  That’s how bad I am dreading Donald Trump’s involvement.

Also, Commercial Free RAW?  Seems like a novel idea, we’ll have to see how it works out.

-END.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 at 2:26 pm and is filed under Updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.