The Cultural Revolution

-I don’t wanna do this.  I REALLY don’t wanna Reflect on this boring goddamned show today.  But, I’m going to anyway.  For you.  Not for me.  If I had my way, I would be knee deep into Rock Band 2 right now, or something else.  But, no.  This is for YOU!

-So, for the second week in a row, the first 15 minutes of RAW puts me to sleep AGAIN.  Monday Night RAW?  MORE LIKE MONDAY NYQUILL AM I RITE?  Do kids still say that?  Who cares.  Anyway, if you’re DYING to know what I slept through, I watched the RAW replay just to catch up…

-GOD< Legacy is so fucking boring at the moment.  It’s not so much a stable as it is a pod of RANDY ORTON CLONES.  I dug his new heel persona, don’t get me wrong, but seriously this angle Legacy is in is so goddamned monotonous.  Mostly because DAVE Batista is probably the most boring wrestler on the planet.

-Also, Vickie Guererro can go away NOW, please.

-This all was a segue into another “CONVOLUTED MAIN EVENT BOOKING ANGLE,” where once again, the Main Event of the show is determined by chance.  Batista vs. Simply Priceless, if DAVE wins, WWE hotshots Judgement Day’s Main Event tonight.  If Priceless wins, we get yet ANOTHER Three-on-One Main Event.  FUCK OFF.  Anyway, DAVE gets disqualified because he had a chair in his hands.  Not that he used it or anything, but the ref saw it and was all “RINGTHEBELL RINGTHATBELL!”  Protocol dictates that the Ref is supposed to take the chair away from the Face, and give the Heels an opportunity for HEEL TRIX!  Idiot!

-Hey, does anyone remember that time when Batista squashed the Tag Champs La Resistance, and then jammed the Quebec Flag up their collective assholes?  Yeah, I was anticipating something like this, going into the first match.

-Back from break, Maryse is in the ring, cutting a promo in French.  Which is actually a GREAT idea.  Nothing an American hates more than a foreigner practicing his or her customs and using their mother tongue AM I RITE??!  *high five!*  Anyway, this segues into a dull tag match, with Mickie Jamesand Kelly Kelly against Maryse and Jillian Hall, who appears out of THIN AIR!  SHE’S A WITCH!  BURN HER!!!  No one cares who won this one.

-Backstage, Teddy interrupts a Randy promo with Josh Matthews (does the guy REALLY need two segments with him on the mic?) to tell him CODY RHODES IS MISSING!  And they do it all in secret too, pretending that Kayfabe still exists.

-Backstage, Chavo has a GREAT IDEA!  How about The Miz and John Cena… IN AN EXHIBITION MATCH!  Wait, what?  Aren’t all Non-Title matches Exhibition matches?  What makes this so different, Chavo?  What would have made this idea made more sense is if Chavo, you know, EXTRAPOLATED UPON HIS IDEA!  He offered no insight or explanation of his idea, and Vickie was all “OKEE DOKEE!  DERP!”

-Backstage, Randy finally finds Cody… BUT NOW TEDDY IS MISSING!!  They find him soon enough, all pretend-a-injured and stuff, with the Bella Twins standing over him.  DAMN YOU, BELLA TWINS!  YOU WILL PAY DEARLY FOR THIS!!  For some reason, Randy blames Batista.

-Ken Kennedy is coming back to RAW soon.  Unfortunately, probably as a Face.  And more than likely, he’ll be back for a month or so, and then injure himself somehow AGAIN.

-Back from break… is there some kind of ratio WWE uses, that determines match length by the size of the wrestlers?  Because Carlito and Kendrick, for the second week in a ROW fail to break the 2 minutes mark!  Post-match, Kendrick vows to find himself THE Partner to take away Los Colons’ tag titles.  WWE caring about the Tag Titles, lol.

-Back from break, here’s the Big Show, sitting on the announce table for whatever reason.  OH, it’s that stupid Cena-Miz exhibition match.  Which, apparently the rules are, the wrestlers just beat each other up until Vickie tells them to stop.  … THAT’S FUCKING STUPID.  Like, REALLY FUCKING STUPID.  What made it worse is, most of the match consisted of John Cena looking at the Big Show and completely ignoring The Miz’s derogatory comments and offence.  Yeah, THIS is how you build a main event heel, guys.

-Backstage, Randy and Cody are looking for DAVE Batista, to get payback for him attacking Teddy.  I’M TELLING YOU, IT WAS THE BELLA TWINS WHO DID IT!

-Further backstage, we have Exhibit A of why completely scripting wrestling promos and angles is a bad idea.  I mean, CHAVO SCRIPT READS GOOD.  He really sold the delivery, I totally believed the thought that Eurotrash Superstar was a dragqueen!  This all culminates with Eurotrash Superstar, dressed as “Santina,” being forced to kiss Rosa Whatever.  Beth Phoenix’s little buddy.  The punchline of this angle is, “LOL Lesbians.”

-FURTHER backstage, Cody happens upon a closed door of MYSTERY.  Strange noises are coming out of it, and rather than, you know, come up with a plan to get the drop on whoever’s inside, Cody just opens the door.  And out scurries Finlay’s Former Midget LOL THAT WAS SO FUNNY!!!~@!@   Anyway, this was just a trap, as DAVE got the drop on CODY! …

-…Sidebar:  How, exactly, is Dave Batista a face?  Seriously, developing a scheme to Pearl Harbour your opponents before your match, rather than face them “LIKE A MAN,” isn’t exactly a good guy-kind of thing to do, ESPECIALLY now that this show is inexplicably geared towards snotty nosed asshole children.

-Alright, tonight did it.  I have officially had my fill of Eurotrash Superstar’s antics.  That is all I’m going to save about “Santina” vs. Beth Phoneix.

-Backstage, Josh Matthews is with John Cena, and I really don’t care right now.

-In the ring, we have MVP and his “VIP Lounge.”  MVP is an obnoxious face.  What scares me is that this schtick is actually COOL with children.  Gives me another reason to despise the little snotballs.  Anyway, he calls out Regal, who, bless his heart, gives a very dry anti-American promo.  BOO!  FOREIGNER!!!  I’ll always remember the time when he made Lillian Garcia start the show by singing the British National Anthem.  For a brief moment, RAW had a touch of class.  Anyway, Regal doesn’t like the fact that these young, pugnacious draftees from wherever are jumping in front of him for a chance at the main event scene, NOT SHOULD HE LIKE IT, and that’s why he attacked MVP Last week.  Which, actually, makes a lot of sense!

-This is all interrupted by Matt Hardy and his bitching about his hand, who tells Regal to wait his turn because Matt should be next in line for a US Title Shot! Y’see, this is EXACTLY what Regal was talking about!  This all degenerates as Kofi Kingston comes out to clear the Ring!  Chavo comes out and then books an impromptu Tag Match RIGHT NOW.  So, wait, did you have anything planned for the next 10 minutes or anything?  Or does Chavo now have powers of foreseeing the near future?

-That whole thing segues into a Tag match that was really forgettable.  Which makes me very sad, because all four guys are REALLY good wrestlers.

-Yeah, once again, REALLY don’t give a shit about the Main Event segment.  Switched over to a much more exciting Blackhawks-Canucks game almost immediately.  I will say this, though, the announcers REALLY have to cut back on the melodrama

-All in all, YUCK.  FUCKING. YUCK.  That show was just several kinds of terrible.  The Roster Draft really did this show a major disservice.  It really did.  It took all the wrestlers I like, and crammed them on the two shows I don’t watch (for scheduling reasons, of course), and left me with this junk.  AND THE H’S HASN’T EVEN BEEN FEATURED PROMINENTLY YET.  Oh, I can’t wait for THAT to happen.

-I can’t believe I actually chose this over the Penguins-Capitals game.  I’m going to tell you now, I probably won’t make the same mistake next week.  Choosing THIS over Hockey.

-END.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 12th, 2009 at 10:31 am and is filed under Updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.