The Cultural Revolution

-With the Rumble in the record books, we are on the Autobahn to WRUSSLEMUNYA!  Unfortunately, we have to make a slight detour and a pit stop at No Way Out-berg, to pick up some chips, maybe grab some Burger King, and watch an unnecessary amount of Elimination Chamber matches.  God, I hate you, No Way Out.  Anyway, RAW REFLECTIONS!

-You know, with this whole new “PG-TV” approach, NOTHING says “Kid Friendly” than having your theme song performed by Papa Roach!  Also, nothing says “OMG WE ARE SO WITH THE TIMES” than having your theme song performed by Papa Roach, either…

-We kick off RAW with Shane McMahon, giving us a boring promo about how we’ll have Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton at No Way Out… NO HOLDS BARRED!!  Oooooh!  How many names is there in professional wrestling for a match with no rules?  Billions.  Anyway, and THANKFULLY, Randy Orton comes out to make things awesome.  Apparently, Randy LET Shane wallop him with awkward punching, so that the RAW Locker room would not ambush him.  Speaking of ambushes, Simply Priceless FAILS at ambushing Shane, because he had a Singapore cane planted in the ring apron.  It’s almost as if this segment was PLANNED IN ADVANCE…

-COMMERCIAL: Axe Body Spray now introduces Axe Hair products, hawked by a VERY condescending spokeswoman who looks like she’s 12.  She tells me that without their chemicals, I will never fornicate and engage in sexual intercourse with females.  Sadly enough, there are shaved apes on this planet that actually fall for this bullshit.

-Back from break, CM Punk and Mickie James vs. William Regal and Layla… could have been better.  MUCH better.  I blame Layla.  Then again, this was only supposed to get Regal momentum into next week’s IC Championship rematch.  Also, Mickie James looks like a male Lion when she’s angry.

-WRUSSLEMUNYA FLASHBACK:  Wrestlemania 2.  Good idea on paper.  Just saying.

-Later tonight, Breastshaw gives Shawn Michaels an employee evaluation!  RIVITING TELEVISION!  I sure hope Shawn made sure to file his TPS reports with the new coversheets on them.  I hear Lumbergh’s been really pissy about that lately…

-Simply Priceless vs. Cryme Tyme REEKS of Filler.  I’m not going to bother.

-Following the FILLER MATCH, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler comment on the Wrestlemania feud that never was, Mickey Rourke vs. Chris Jericho.  Personally, I’m glad this had the kybosh put on it.  Also, Jericho is coming down to talk after commercial!!

-COMMERCIAL: American friends, be happy you do not have Boston Pizza.  I envy you for not having to sit through its insufferable commercials that may OR may not be a confession about how fucking overpriced their food is.

-Back from break, Jericho cuts a fucking AWESOME heel promo about “Legends” and how they just don’t know when to quit, making some pretty sound and logical arguments, even suggesting that they be ripped away from the Corporate teet and be kicked out of Vince McMahon’s fake Hall of Fame.  Logic and Reason on a wrestling show?  THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR JOHN CENA!!!  John Cena’s response to Jericho’s profound, strongly-verbalized argument? HE’S GONNA BEAT UP CHRIS!~!  Yeah, that sounds like a reasonable response, John.  Good lesson for the kids at home.  But I already touched upon that in an earlier column, didn’t I?

-COMMERCIAL: It’s ads like the new McDonald’s Fajita commercial that make me never, EVER want to work in a corporate office.  It would not be beneficial to my mental health.

-You know, I was expecting BAD things from Kane & Knox vs. Kofi and Rey… but I was pleasantly entertained.  Both teams work surprisingly well, especially Knox and Kane.  The end sequence was actually highly entertaining, and it’s probably one of the few RARE times where I actually liked a MONSTER mismatch like Kane and Knox.

-Backstage, Shane and Stephanie are walking around but all of a sudden, LEGACY AMBUSH!!!  Which was FUCKING. AWESOME.  Every second of it was believable, right down to the punching of officials trying to break it up.  I actually thought that they were going to let Randy punt Stephanie in the head, it was so believable.   Also, this segment is quite similar to how Randy “dated” women, prior to meeting his wife.  And possibly after.

-Back from break, Cole and King shill the No Way Out card.  I HATE No Way Out a lot.  I find it really takes away momentum from the build to WrestleMania, and is basically a useless PPV.  Top that off with the fucking ELMINATION GODDAMN CHAMBER, that apparently is becoming a yearly tradition now… ewwwww.

-WRUSSLEMUNYA FLASHBACK: Wrestlemania X’s flashback features the only two matches anyone cares to remember about Wrestlemania X, despite it being beloved.  Honestly, I have watched the whole show, and the rest of the matches are baaaaaad.

-We cut to Breastshaw watching the Wrusslemunya Flashback, and he looks cranky.  He was probably hoping they’d mention the Doink/Dink vs. Bam Bam/Luna Vachon Mixed Tag match, I bet.

-Back from brea-AW FUCK CANDICE MICHELLE IS WRESTLING AGAIN.  At least she looks like she’s been hitting the gym again.  Or at least regained her appetite.  Anyway, and THANKFULLY, she was here only to be fed to Beth Phoenix, which gives me hope that Candice Michelle will once again be allowed NOWHERE near WrestleMania.  And this time, there will be no Ashley Massarro surprises!

-Apparently Ric Flair will be back next week, to sweat profusely and holler incoherently at Chris Jericho.  DAMN IT, WWE!  WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE, ALREADY!!!

-COMMERCIAL: Can anyone please tell me what the sandwiches in the Burger King commercial are arguing about?  On second thought, don’t.  I think I’m much happier not knowing.

-Back from break, Saliva has graciously provided the theme for No Way Out.  It’s funny how dependent Saliva is on WWE.  Without WWE, Saliva would probably cease to exist, and probably fucking starve.

-OH, here’s that Employee Evaluation that was promised earlier.  In the ring.  Because, you know, all great businessmen conduct their business affairs in the middle of large arenas for all to see.  Well, at least you can’t accuse Breastshaw of any sort of corruption, if he’s willing to be THIS transparent with his business practices.  Anyway, this is just a vehicle for Breastshaw vs. Shawn Michaels for Shawn Michaels’ freedom at WrestleMan… No Way Out?  Seriously?  Oh Jesus.

-Back from break, Kane has earned himself a spot in the Elimination Chamber, in exchange for getting the Undertaker to be on RAW next week against Randy Orton.   THAT’S NOT FAIR AT ALL.  It’s not like Kofi Kingston could go ahead and call his demonic biker older half-brother that he has a love/hate relationship with to take care of the McMahon’s enemies, HE EARNED HIS SPOT THE HARD WAY!

-Main Event, Jericho vs. Cena was just alright, only because it’s a match I’ve seen far too many times in such a short span of time.  Also, the FU is now the Attitude Adjustment? What a stupid name, I wish they HAD called it the Throwback, like it was rumoured.

-All in all, this show was relatively alright.  Maybe even good?  Alright, I’ll call it good.  There wasn’t really anything that pissed me off, not even a little bit.  Well, except for the very existence of the No Way Out PPV and the TWO Elimination Chamber matches, but I honestly cannot blame this show alone for that.  Seriously, does WWE NEED to have a PPV a month?  I can understand the need for a bunch in between Wrestlemania and Summerslam.  That’s a good four months’ difference. Even a PPV between Summerslam and Survivor Series is alright.  But there is NO NEED for a PPV between the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania.  There just isn’t.  The primary focus of WWE’s programming IMMEDIATELY following the Rumble should be WrestleMania, and NOTHING else.  This isn’t a situation like Armageddon, where it’s just filler between Surivor Series and the Rumble.  I find that No Way Out takes significant momentum away from WrestleMania.  Add to that, the complete hideous awkwardness of the Elimination Chamber, and it’s a big glass of uselessness.

-END.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009 at 3:49 pm and is filed under Updates. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.