WWE RAW Reflections - 05/01/2009
-So here it is, the first batch of RAW Reflections for the New Year! I’m glad you all enjoyed my 25 Best Wrestlers on Television Column. That is, I assumed you all did, based on all the feedback I got for it. While there was (foreseeable) disagreements on placement and who was on it and who was not, the bottom line is, everyone’s going to come up with a different list. HOWEVER, I have a column and you do not, so NYAH. I jest, of course. HEY, how about some Reflections now?!
-Opening segment is Chris Jericho and Randy Orton in the ring, who have filed a “formal protest” against the results of last week’s main event, which I slept through. They demand the match be declared null and void, and that Jericho and Orton face each other for a shot at Cena’s title. Which, really, would be a VERY interesting match. Of course, Breastshaw accompanied by his manservant Shawn Michaels, tends to disagree. What made this segment hilarious is the way everyone was treating Shawn Michaels like a child, and Shawn just stood there with the GRUMPIEST look ever! Also, we ALMOST saw one of those now-infamous sign confiscations, I think, when some guy in the front, wearing a blue sweater, has his awesomely offensive “NICK HOGAN DROVE ME HERE” sign disappear during a 3 second camera cut. It’s MAGIC! Anyway, It’s decided by Breastshaw and Stephanie McBreasts that Shawn Michaels will not be in the Royal Rumble, and that Shawn Michaels and John Cena blah blah blah Randy Orton and Chris Jericho blah blah blah Main Event tonight. Blah. Would it KILL them to have a killer main event for the first show of 2009?
-Back from break, the Artist Formerly Known as Black Reign and Melina are teaming up to take on the 11th and 6th Best Wrestlers on Television in 2008, respectively, Beth Phoenix and Eurotrash Superstar! There’s something oddly natural about the pairing of Melina and Goldust, and it goes beyond their matching Gold and Black ensembles. Also, Goldust has lost a lot of weight. Regardless, this was basically a glorified excuse for Beth Phoenix’s Number One Plant to attack Melina. During this time, the Blue Shirt Guy kept trying to upstage… Rosa, is it? with his signs. You’re getting a tad obnoxious there, Blue Shirt Guy.
-Backstage, Nadd Grisham is here with CM Punk, who gives possibly one of the most unbelievable promos about his Intercontinental Championship Match, coming up after the break. Unbelievable as in, I cast serious doubt upon Mr. Punk’s sincerity. His acting here was on par with the level you find in commercials for local Jewelry dealers on Regional Network affiliates. Just really amateur.
-…What the fuck was THAT?! BAIT AND FUCKING SWITCH. WWE has been promoting the bejesus out of Regal vs. Punk for WEEKS, both on TV and especially on their website, and then gives us the shaft with a really BAD DQ finish. Stephanie promises an immediate rematch… next week. Seriously, I was REALLY excited to see this match, I even watched this show SPECIFICALLY for this match, and I’m basically told “HAH HAH! FUCK YOU!” I would have preferred literally ANYTHING over this Bait and Switch. And for what? So they can hold off until next week, when RAW emanates out of the glorious and legendary Metropolis that is SOUIX CITY, IOWA?! ANYTHING would have been better. Microphone sparring. An in-ring brawl. Hell, even that old wrestling cliché, the CONTRACT SIGNING Angle would have been less insulting.
-Backstage, Breastshaw is giving Shawn Michaels VERY detailed instructions on what Shawn is supposed to do in the Main Event, and Shawn just stares at him angrily. I will say, Shawn knows how to look grouchy and/or completely disgusted with himself.
-further backstage, Stage two of Randy’s faction tryouts will be held later tonight, as Jimmy Snuka Jr. and Cody Rhodes with take on a MYSTERY team in a tag match! However, further instructions are interrupted by the washout, Afa Jr.! Who is bitching about him being cut, yet Randy lost his match and got to say, which Randy promptly BITCHSLAPS him with words. Now what the hell are they going to do with Afa Jr.?
-Yawn, Dolph Ziggler.
-In what was a REALLY nice match, Mizorrison, the Fourth Best Wrestlers on Television for 2008 and a whole bunch of other accolades, beat the team of Rey Mysterio and his young, agile friend of the week, Kofi Kingston. It wasn’t GREAT, but it was good. Post-Match, Bruiser Knox comes out and beats the fuck out of Rey Mysterio again. What IS it with big ol’ hosses hating Rey Mysterio?
-Backstage, Shawn Michaels and John Cena are blah-blah-blahing.
-You know what? I’m going to take the glorified piss break known as Jillian Hall vs. Kelly Kelly to complain about a few things. First, it’s the fucking TERRIBLE job on commentary that Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler do. We all know Michael Cole sucks, but it becomes QUITE apparent, when the match going on sucks, the fans in attendance have know interest, and the mind is, by default, focused on the voice of Michael Cole. I know I like to pick on JR, but at least JR can make even the dullest matches sound somewhat exciting. And then there’s Jerry Lawler, a complete shell of what he used to be, a decade ago. I am so goddamn sick of hearing Jerry Lawler do face commentary, and actually kind of sick of Jerry Lawler as a whole. Put them together, and you probably have the WORST commentary team on the Flagship show, and I think that’s pretty damn stupid. In case you’re wondering, Kane comes down to the Ring, post-match, and tells us he’s facing Randy Orton next week over Kelly Kelly. Swell.
-Back from break, Cody Rhodes and Jimmy Snuka Jr. vs. Cryme Tyme was what it was. However, I want to extend my previous point’s complaint about Michael Cole just a bit further. Specifically, Michael Cole’s comment about Cryme Tyme, in Iraq “‘Borrowing’ Tanks and helicopters and AK 47’s!” First of all, No. That would never, ever happen. I’m not going to explain it, because even a seven year old can see the impossibility of a pair of “Street Thugs” just wandering onto a military base, and somehow stealing a tank, ESPECIALLY a $4.35 MILLION DOLLAR Tank like the M1 Abrams, the main battle tank of the US Army right now. Second, AK 47s? Seriously? Why the HELL would the US Military be using foreign-designed and manufactured AK 47s, when they themselves manufacture a MUCH better rifle, the M16 Assault Rifle? On TOP of that, the AK 47 is the weapon of choice for the people the US Military is AT WAR WITH. I know I’m going all history nerd on you guys, but FUCK. What a completely unbelievable and stupid way to put over Cryme Tyme as “COOL THUGS!” Yeah, I don’t care about this match whatsoever, Michael Cole’s complete lack of knowledge outside of anything not printed on his production sheet or screamed in his ear by Vince McMahon pulled me right out of it.
-I’m serious, I actually got up and saved the file I am currently writing this on with the sentence “Michael Cole thinks Cryme Tyme stole AK 47s from the Army.”
-Backstage, Breastshaw comes out of Stephanie McBreasts’ office with a… a smile, I think? on his face. EVIL HEEL SCHEMING IS AFOOT! SOMEONE CONTACT THE RESIDENT SUPERHEO FACE!
-Further backstage, I LOVE how Randy Orton just non-chalantly tells Jimmy Snuka Jr. that he’s cut from the legacy. Fucking AWESOME.
-Even FURTHER backstage, Glamarella is complaining that Rosa Whatever is now PERMABANNED from attending WWE Shows. This immediately segues into Jericho telling us all that Vince McMahon will be back on TV in a few weeks. OH GOODIE.
-Didn’t watch the main event. The first new Daily Show in a MONTH was on, it took precedence.
-Well, that was kind of a stinker, wasn’t it? It had NOTHING to do with the matches (except for one, of course), they were wrestled pretty adequately, at least for a free TV show. What got me were the little things, like Michael Cole’s commentary, which was much more terrible than usual. That and the fucking BAIT AND SWITCH. That just burned my ass so much, and is probably responsible for my inability to enjoy the rest of the show. If they pull it again, next week, I’ll tear my hair out.
-END.